I wanted to tell them: freedom is a length of rope, God wants you to hang yourself with it.

[momebie]

I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Oh, I had the usual string of dream jobs on hold: astronaut, paleontologist, famous author, etc. I just never actualized them in my mind as solid possibilities. I was mimicking the people around me, as all children do. Until about the age of 17 it didn’t occur to me that I might live through my senior year of high school. It’s not that I was suicidal—that came later—it was merely that the idea of being an independent human being, separate of the structures I’d built for myself, didn’t appeal to me. So I dismissed the thought. Time would stop.

Of course, time didn’t stop. In the last ten years I’ve gone from ignoring the idea of the future to dwelling on it too intently. I can’t sleep some nights. (I didn’t sleep last night, which is why you’re getting this instead of more fiction.) There’s a tag in this journal for ‘the dreaded future’ for a very good reason. The future terrifies me. It terrifies me because everything is going to change and I am going to have to be the one to make some of those changes and I am ultimately responsible for where I end up. That crushing responsibility, above all else, is what I believe in now.

I took a lot of philosophy and religion classes in college. It was the only way to productively work through my fear of free will and how it related (poorly) to my Calvinist theological upbringing. If things are predestined and predetermined, why spend so much time dragging myself through life? I still haven’t found a reliable answer to that one. My solution was to eschew theology altogether, which is a tailspin of a feeling if you were raised with all of the comforting, violent, gilded words of a specific religion.

At that point it was the existentialists that caught me. In them I found the desperate explanation of life that I’d been looking for. It’s all on me. Regardless of whether there are gods in the sky or the earth or the perfume ads they stuff into women’s magazines, I’m still responsible for myself. I have to create a meaning. I have to create myself every day. Every day. Sartre is my boyfriend and Camus is my mistress and even though it means that sometimes I don’t sleep at night, I’m most comfortable when living through the illusion that I’m in control.

And it is an illusion. The world is large and dense and sometimes it feels like it doesn’t matter how much of a path I manage to forge through the brambles, the Universe can come through and just as easily drown me out through no fault of my own. As a child I was taught that it happened to the people Noah didn’t have room for. It can happen to me. So even though I’ve built myself a world of lonely, commanding words, I have to leave room for eventualities. I’m not hedging my bets as much as it sounds like I might be, but in a lot of ways I still am and always will be a little girl, pretending to know what I want to be when I grow up.

There’s a tattoo I’ve been planning for several years now. And those of you who know me will raise your eyebrows and go ‘a tattoo? you want every tattoo’, which is true, but this one is special. This one I’m reserving for a moment when I take one of those large, startling leaps. Right now I go back and forth between deciding whether I want to get it when I move across country or when I graduate grad school. Both are things I’m feeling compelled to do. (Don’t you find that sometimes, as you’re making your way through life, certain decisions feel like they travel in well worn grooves in your soul? They come to you and you wonder in what life you’d ever choose the other option?) I haven’t settled on a design, but I know exactly what it will say.

Some marble blocks have statues within them, embedded in their future.

It’s a quote from the Alan Moore comic Watchmen. (Yeah, not only am I an insufferable pretentious douchebag, but I’m also an insufferable pretentious comic book geek. You all probably noticed that by now, though. I just really like Batman, okay?) I wish I could share the panel the line comes from with you, but I don’t have my copy on me and my quick Google search hasn’t turned it up. (Thanks to edincoat it's now at the bottom of the post!) Long story short, one of the characters realizes time as being simultaneous, so he doesn’t feel he’s moving through it linearly so much as bumping up against events as they happen at all points. And I don’t have a giant blue penis, but sometimes, in spite of everything I believe about making me me, that’s how I feel. I’m a blank slate. I’m an ornate statue. I’m a weather worn, pock marked rock. I've blinked out.

I am already who I’ve made myself, and sometimes that futility will just keep you up nights.




This post was written for Topic 25: Uncarved Block at therealljidol. I know there's been a lot of meta lately about fiction vs. non-fiction and how some people feel like they don't really get to know those of us who write fiction. I'd be interested in knowing if you feel like this tells you more about me than my fiction did. As always, I welcome all comments and questions.

Comments

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

I like the end point reference to Watchmen because it took me to an unexpected place. Nicely done!

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it could do that. My brain is very weary from lack of sleep. :p

[ninepointfivemm.livejournal.com]

Imagining you as Dr Manhattan is a pretty funny mental picture, not going to lie.

I feel a bit more like Dan. I'm there because I used to take action but now I feel kind of flabby and looking for a reason to just be a badass. :/

[momebie.livejournal.com]

ENJOY THE WANG.

I have felt like Dan, and I can understand that entirely, especially in relation to your search for work.

[brilligspoons.livejournal.com]

In answer to your question at the bottom there - yes, I do feel like I know a bit more about you than I did before for reading this (and I've known you for a while now). There's no filter - there's just you, and your perceptions, and your journey, and it's beautiful.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

This is honestly what it's like to be in my head ALL THE TIME. These thoughts are rosary beads that I click to off and on every day. Especially at night, but they're always in the background. It's why I'm so hard to live with in other ways. ;)

[tentaclecore]

I personally hold the opinion that fiction tells us more about the author than nonfiction-- for one, it's harder to lie about who we are with fiction, because the bits and pieces are much harder to disguise. With non-fiction, one can twist things with conscious effort and no one will be able to spot the difference.

However in saying that, yes this entry is definitely a clearer look into your psyche than your fictional entries-- but that is because I am trusting that you are telling the truth, and that this is an honest desire to express yourself to the world at large. If someone else was posting this exact same entry I would be inclined to be skeptical, because I have no idea what their basis of truth is.

(sorry if this sounds hostile, I don't mean it to be, especially in relation to you. I just happen to find the argument itself insufferable, and it is one of the reasons I will not be returning to IDOL next round. One form does not invalidate the other, and any insinuation thereof is an insult to everyone.)

(also, if you can tell me the general scene the quote is in I can skip through my scans of Watchmen and upload it for you. I downloaded them when I was planning on making a moodtheme that never happened.)

(also, also, ♥)

[theemdash]

^^ This comment.

I love nonfiction, but it's much easier to "lie" in nonfiction because the author is more acutely aware of what's true. In fiction, where the author is protected by a layer of personal distance, there are sometimes more revelations because the author isn't trying to hide.

Which only assumes an author is trying to hide and is not being totally bald—something that is very difficult for many people.

[theemdash]

I never really thought about Calvinist vs. Catholic upbringing, but I can really see that now. Interesting. Hmm.

Also, I feel like you show this face quite clearly in your fiction. Though showing this in fiction could just be the result of research rather than the result of feeling. So... there is no "better," but there is information.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

There's a whole paragraph that I ended up deleting about the cognitive dissonance created in 8 year olds by being told that people who don't go to church can't go to heaven and then told that it's ALREADY DECIDED who's going. How does that even make sense, oh Calvin of the ludicrous haircut? Then you get into the whole debate of, are you already chosen because you're the kind of person who WILL follow God's law to the tee, or can you really do whatever you want? Not that I really think predestination trumps free will. Just because I know the actions a person is likely to take does not mean that they haven't chosen to take those actions of their own accord. If a God were to be truly omniscient it's entirely possible he's simply reading the output at the end of everything and just taking liner notes. I think the part of that I struggled with as a kid was that he then got in his time machine and brought those liner notes BACK IN TIME to bully us with. It's a very delicate conversation that I feel was handled by a great deal of clumsy people in my youth. But yeah, I didn't want to dwell on the religion thing. ;)

I think that when I show this in my fiction it's sometimes pure feeling and it's sometimes research. For the BDESFN it's pretty heavily both, in that I know my feelings and have extensively researched the philosophies that informed them. I want that project to be aware of what it is. I like reading things like that, so it's by design there. In the serial and other one offs I've written, or even how things might come out of the Steampunk characters sometimes, it's more about how I was feeling on any given day when I was writing.

[ninasafiri.livejournal.com]

I feel like I know you better after reading this :)

and I understand the crushing responsibility of the future. I feel like I'm buckling underneath it every day :/

[momebie.livejournal.com]

That's good, at least. :)

And choice is so, so heavy. Who came up with this dumb plan of life anyway!?

[rapunzelita.livejournal.com]

If things are predestined and predetermined, why spend so much time dragging myself through life?

Uh, well, I don't know about you but I'd rather be predestined to haul myself through life although it might be painful that be predestined to just die in a corner after 30 years of not doing anything interesting.

But then again I suppose I'm not interestend in theology/metaphysics/that kind of stuff for my own good. My general stance on the subject is "who gives a crap, this is kind of fun!" (Please note: I am a masochist. Emotional pain makes me feel more alive, so most painful moments in my life qualify as "fun", in a weird, kinda twisted way.)

To go back on the initial subject, which was not myself and my weird submissive psychology but YOUR MOST EXCELLENT META (because it is most excellent....)

I don't know if this told me more about you than your fiction. It definitely told me something different about you, because fiction is much more ideal than introspection, it's much neater in the ideas. I mean, in most books, it's not too hard to say "this book has Calvinist ideas" or "oh, that was written by a Cartesian" or whatever. The expression of metaphysical / philosophical confusion is very different, and rather interesting.

When I say that it didn't tell me more than fiction, by the way, it's mostly that I've been reading your LJ for long enough to know about these ideas already (apart from the tattoo, obviously).

tl;dr: COOL META BRO <3

PS: My icon's quote is directed at myself, not you, obv.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Haha, I'm inclined to agree with you there. Predestined or not, though, I still truly believe that I have to make myself what I want to be, so in essence the idea of predestination to me is more of one of 'oh, this is how KL is and will act as informed by the things she learns along the way and the magic man in the sky knows this because to him it's already happened'. But yeah, I spend entirely too much time pondering metaphysics and such, which I can trace directly back to the existentialism course I took in college. For the most part I'm okay with that as a background hum, but sometimes it leaks through and I fall apart a bit. That's the way in which I'm masochistic.

The people like you who have been around for a long time are part of the reason I've been hesitant to just rehash stories about myself for the competition. You guys already KNOW and it's kind of boring for all of us if we just cover the same ground over and over. That and I just enjoy exploring things more through fiction than I do through banging out my ridiculous thoughts.

I LIKE THAT ICON, IT'S OKAY. I do sometimes beat up metaphors in back alleys.

[winnett.livejournal.com]

I am already who I’ve made myself, and sometimes that futility will just keep you up nights.

*cries* So, there is no hope?

I want to refute this, but I've no creative energy to write anything that sounds snazzy. I think you can constantly reinvent yourself until the day you die. But such an upheaval is too tragic for many people to attempt (like myself).

When I was a kid, I wanted to make a difference. That was what I wanted to 'be' when I grew up. And I knew I was meant for something great, far greater than what I've currently become. So, I have that faith that I can be something more. I just have to find my path to do achieve my greatness.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I'm not entirely fatalistic, and if you did get up the energy to refute that particular statement (which I'd totally love to hear!) I'd more than likely agree with you. That statement wasn't meant to say that I've reached the high point of my potential at 28. What I really wanted to get across with the whole thing is that I'm the sum of my parts and if I do take myself into my own hands and make active decisions then I am constantly creating myself over again. I wouldn't have a tattoo set aside for a big leap situation if I didn't think myself possible of taking those leaps. It's the courage I currently lack. But the ability? The ability is endless.

[basric.livejournal.com]

Written well. Makes me want to go out and get a tattoo. A true and lovely quote. Michelangelo made some statement about how he was just releasing what he saw trapped in the marble.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I believe that Michelangelo is who Moore was harking back to when he wrote that little comment into Doctor Manhattan's thoughts there. The whole scene is rather delicately orchestrated in the comic and I was pretty happy with how it turned out in the movie.

The entire quote in the comic is: Things have their shape in time, not space alone. Some marble blocks have statues within them, embedded in their future.

[quatredeathlady.livejournal.com]

I've been reading all your LJ Idol entries (and loving the WIP you've been posting for them, even if I never comment because I'm just A CREEPY LURKER), and I don't know you very well.

I think that this entry, coupled with the WIP, gives me quite a bit of information about you, and more than either piece would alone. I've never thought much about if fiction or nonfiction tells us more about an author---because I think it depends on the author, as some people have mentioned in other comments. Some authors are more willing to be truthful when they write their nonfiction, and others are not for various personal reason. I do think that generally fiction allows for the revelation of more unintentional truths about the author because they sort of sneak in, and the author is less guarded because they are writing for characters (even if those characters are a part of the author in some way).

However, I think your combination of the WIP and this nonfiction piece show how fiction and nonfiction can each reveal different facets of the same truth, or different truths entirely, about the writer.

And...that's my two cents!

[momebie.livejournal.com]

WE SHOULD START A CREEPY LURKER'S UNION.

I agree with you. I think that if you CAN get the fiction and non-fiction from a writer then it really helps to piece them together. And I actually hadn't thought about what different truths the two things would tell about me, just that I feel really close to my fiction in general, so that it would probably tell the same nebulous truths as any fact about me would.

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

I had a completely secular upbringing, so I'm not plagued with having to overcome that programming. I also happen to think that we don't have Free Will, but that at the same time, the notion is not contradictory with predestination, so there's an element of both in how I view the universe.

And the fiction/non question, well, I think that fiction only reveals more about the author if you happen to know about that author on a personal level to begin with. I wouldn't even dream of drawing any conclusions about what Tim Powers or Guy Gavriel Kay are like as human beings based on what they write other than that they most likely have an interest in mythology and magick. So I might be able to get a sense of interest or themes from fiction but I don't get to know the individual behind those ideas at all, whereas if someone writes something more factual, even if they're lying, how they choose to lie about themselves is very revealing.

Ultimately, we're all presenting an edited image of ourselves to the world whichever way you slice it, so I suppose it comes down to the individual what lens they want to look through.

tl;dr answer - yes, I feel that I got to know YOU better because of this entry.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

There's definitely an element of both in how I now view the universe as well. I honestly don't know whether or not free will is a real thing, but I don't think for one minute that predestination would trump it. Those two concepts can work hand in hand, just like creationism and evolution can. (Which, I'm not a Creationist, but I was raised in the Bible belt, so you know, I've had all kinds of practice smiling and nodding.)

I would argue that you can get hints of how the author sees our world even if you're reading fantasy. You can definitely get more out of it than the mere fact that they're drawn to those types of stories. It DOES help if you know a little about the author, but if there's one thing school taught me it was that you shouldn't shy away from drawing initial conclusions about the way people might see the world, because it could help you relate to them. If your conclusions turn out to be wrong that's also just as well, but engaging an amount of real world context with the text is educational. That is, though, different from drawing conclusions about what they're like as people. What we observe and what we are are very different things.

Of course, how people choose to lie about themselves IS very revealing. It's kind of fascinating, really. And I agree with the sentiment that we present our edited selves. It's almost a necessity. Even the people who know me best can't know me the way I do. Sometimes I edit myself in ways I'm not even fully conscious of. That's very much tied to the question of who I actively make myself.

I feel like I should send everyone who reads this entry a basket of chocolates and some condolences, because I'm really kind of frustrating to know. I think so, anyway. I'm frustrated with me all the time. :p

[mrsquizzical.livejournal.com]

i really feel like a big part of 'getting you' just fell into place.

*hugs*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

And you haven't even met my dad!

*smish*

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

The future terrifies me. It terrifies me because everything is going to change and I am going to have to be the one to make some of those changes and I am ultimately responsible for where I end up.

Well, now I know where Or and Mattie get their subliminal nihilistic streaks from...

(And if you read my Bats in the Belfry entry, you know hell of a lot about me too; making people up is easier than just saying it out loud. That's my two cents.)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

That is a really common theme in my characters. Sometimes I write really happy/evil people who don't worry about those things! I swear!

But dude, I did and I do. That's why I've been doing fiction for most of the competition. ♥

[beeker121.livejournal.com]

Alan Moore reference for the win! Though if you had a blue penis I'd be concerned.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I would also be concerned. Especially if it was a couple feet long. D:

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I really feel capable of answering the fiction vs. non-fiction question, but I relate to so much of this, and as much as I love your fiction, I also enjoyed getting to read this from you. <3

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I don't know whether to be glad or sorry that you relate. I certainly hope you get more sleep than me. :p But I'm happy that it could strike something, and that I could open up a little to you guys.

[wyliekat.livejournal.com]

Sartre is my boyfriend and Camus is my mistress

This is beautifully turned. The whole thing is. I can see your point, too. Once you've taken some of the marble block away, you can't put it back. That's scary.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I have a lot of half formed and errant thoughts about visibility and identity that the marble block can easily play in to. Like, I was mistreated (by one particular person) as a teenager as a direct result of how I looked, so now I am more comfortable being overweight and 'unnoticed' than being who I used to be. If the boys don't look at me they're not likely to hurt me, right? If I take away this protective layer that hides what the statue actually looks like someone might notice and that could end poorly.

Or, contradictorily, almost all statues are beautiful to someone. I shouldn't worry about making those marks and cuts in the marble because the end product will almost certainly be something to be proud of in some way. I should want to own that, right? That's what I'm trying to do, anyway.

But thank you for hanging in there with me. ♥

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you were able to share something so personal, even though I have loved your fiction in the competition thus far.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Thank you for that. I still feel a little wary about sharing like this with so many strangers, but I should know by now that the responses will be thoughtful, and they have been.

[vaguelyclear.livejournal.com]

The future terrifies me. It terrifies me because everything is going to change and I am going to have to be the one to make some of those changes and I am ultimately responsible for where I end up.

but in a lot of ways I still am and always will be a little girl, pretending to know what I want to be when I grow up.

You have no idea how much I can relate to these two sentences. When I was younger, and all my friends talked about what they wanted to do in life and where they saw themselves in five or ten years, I used to think there was something wrong with me because when I tried to imagine what my life would be like in five or ten years, I just... couldn't. I saw nothing. I see nothing. I had a friend once tell me that in x amount of years, she and her boyfriend would be married and in x amount of years after that, she would have a baby (and she is; she got married and now she's pregnant). But that level of certainty is something I have never ever had. I feel like I'm in a bit more control over my future now, but I still have no flippin' idea what my life beyond today is going to be like. And that? Is scary.

On other related things: 1) I wrote non-fiction this week because of the meta, too! 2) I do feel like I got to know more about you, which is good because we're new friends, and 3) Tattoo! I am pondering whether to get my next one for my birthday this year. I have until November to decide, but the urge to get it is strong and gets stronger when other people talk about it :D

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I also still see nothing, more or less. I have nebulous ideas of what I may want, but those are subject to change and haven't really solidified into anything. I am working to prepare myself for a cross country move right now, but I still don't know if it's a good idea. I mostly just like feeling like I'm moving forward and that move is a reaction to the feeling of stagnation I have here. It might not work out. I might come running back, but I'm not clairvoyant so I'll have to just wait and see what happens. I've got the rest of my life to fix my mistakes, right?

It'll be interesting to see if many people who generally write fiction wrote non-fiction this week. And I'm glad you could read this as my new friend and not feel like RUNNING AWAY BECAUSE CHRIST AM I CRAZY. ♥ And and dude, tattoos. More ink always. I definitely vote for birthday tattoos. I've been really, really itchy lately so I think I'm going to break down and get my Camus quote sometime this summer. I just have to figure out what the font will be. What kind of tattoo are you planning on getting? Hi, my name is KL and I can talk about people's tattoos FOREVER.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

I think there is an element of continually re-creating ourselves throughout our lives. I turned 68 this week and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!
This entry definitely tells me more about you than your fiction does because I happen to believe this is you reporting on you.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I agree with that wholeheartedly. I don't imagine I'll ever settle and just not want to learn and travel and change. That seems like a pretty boring way of going about things. As much as change scares me, I think I'm better for going after it. Most of the time, anyway.

It is indeed! I feel like I need better hair, if I'm going to be reporting. I've got more of a face for radio. :p

[beldar.livejournal.com]

Excellent post. Extra points for the Watchmen reference. The Manhattan on Mars chapter I think was Moore's philisophical high point in the series -- the nucleus around which his capes-and-masks epic orbited.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I've just noticed that your 'name' is An Arthur Dent Waiting to Happen, which makes me inordinately happy. That has nothing to do with my post or comment, I just thought I'd share.

The Manhattan on Mars chapter is definitely my favorite part, and I agree with your assessment that the rest of the story seems to be draped around it.

[redvelvetgrrl.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed this piece :)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Thank you. ♥

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean when you wrote that rejecting your religious upbringing leaves something of a vacuum. I remember feeling so upset because I wanted really badly to believe in afterlife and heaven, and knowing I didn't meant I couldn't find any comfort in it. And I so wished it were real, you know?

I did feel that I could see more about you in this than in your fiction. That's not to say I didn't enjoy your fiction... I suppose I could infer vague ideas about you and your personality but nothing concrete. In any case, it was a good entry :)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I think for me it was that I never really believed in heaven, no matter how much I wished I could, so I always felt like an outsider. But even as an outsider you become used to the words and the rituals and that idea of a net. Without it things seem so incredibly daunting. So yes, I feel ya.

Thank you. I think it's just that, to me, these themes are things that come up in my fiction a lot so I don't feel like I've been keeping myself from you guys. But I'm certainly glad that this little bit of my brain has been welcomed by all of you. ♥

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

It would be a cool tattoo.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Right? I just have to figure out a design for it.

[nyxocity.livejournal.com]

I related to this in such a huge way.

For many, many years, this was my motto:

"I want the freedom to carve and chisel my own face, to staunch the bleeding with ashes, to fashion my own gods out of my entrails."

And while that's a freeing feeling, it's also a really scary feeling. Terrifying, actually.

Also, that is my absolute favorite part of Watchmen, that whole scene with Jon, and experiencing the way he experiences time. So eternal and beautiful, and yet heartbreaking. (<--is also a massive comic book geek and once managed a shop for three years)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I had to look that quote up, because I really like it. I'm not familiar with Gloria Anzaldua, so I'm going to have to do some more digging there. Thanks for that.

That whole scene is so gorgeously executed. I love how his moments of reflection and unstuck-in-time-edness are intertwined with the action that's happening in real time in the world of the comic. (That sounds like a cool gig!)

[yachiru]

Gah sick all week and am only now reading/commenting. I sneeze on your entry! I like the more personal entry and the way you try and give more of yourself in it.

I still like fiction better! I think it reveals as much about the writer but you have to look closer for it. ^^

[momebie.livejournal.com]

My entry says gesundheit and offers you a tissue!

I like fiction better as well, and I feel the same way about what it reveals. Especially the fiction I've been writing for Idol, as all of it plays into these fears and themes I carry with me anyway. I just find it easier to structure fiction. I feel sort of drifty with non-fiction, you know?