LJ Idol: Exhibit A, Post #1 - Odes to the Eiffel Tower underneath my red skirt.

[momebie]

Am I crazy? Indubitably. There, this is going to be the easiest prompt of the whole competition!

I feel that, without a doubt, I am most certainly a crazy person. This opinion of myself though, is often met with resistance by the people around me. (As are many of my opinions about myself, such as the ones pertaining to my looks or my social skills or which Hogwarts house I'm in, but that's a whole other post.) Crazy is, it seems, not as crazy does. Instead, crazy is as crazy is perceived, and everyone's measure is different. So what is it that makes me crazy and why is it that we can't agree on a set identifier?

The term crazy gets a bad rap in the current online social community, for good reason. It's a dismissive catch-all term that lacks as much in precision as it does in empathy. What we call crazy are the thoughts and behaviors in others which we don't understand. The people on Hoarders, for instance, or the two women who are married to the Berlin wall. They are crazy. There is something identifiably deviant about these people when measured against the accepted social markers. They become too attached to things we don't think a person should be attached to, for starters.

This is where crazy gets slippery, because often those people don't think that they're crazy. It feels right to them to create these attachments. It would almost be crazier to deny the heart what it wants, which I think is a sentiment a lot of us can agree with when it's targeted toward other people or really nice shoes. Their neurological makeup does not understand why a person shouldn't fall in love with the Berlin wall, it merely does.

This line of thinking brings us back around to me and my brain, which feels guilty and awkward and deviant for the things that happen in it all of the time. Sunday I had a panic attack over the smell of a stranger's cologne. It triggered a negative response to a specific memory and my body reacted physically as if it was still in that situation. That made me feel crazy. It was a reaction which I mentally identified as being deviant when related to my current physical state of safety. I mean, other people don't stop breathing as they're leaving movie theaters. The Last Stand wasn't good, but it wasn't so bad it robbed me of life.

When I voiced concern over my reaction in relation to my mental state, several people who know me assured me that I wasn't crazy, that I'm still not, because they could identify with my reaction. It wasn't deviant. I'm not crazy because they understand me, and they're not crazy. This attitude, of course, does not take into account my personal discomfort with my own mind, which is really what makes most of us feel crazy when we do.

What about the people then who don't feel uncomfortable with who they are, but who make us uncomfortable? Much like in Catch-22, if you can identify that you might be insane, then you are sane enough to hide it and perform your duties. You think you're crazy, so you can't possible be crazy. Congratulations! But that is little comfort to the people still fighting the battles they disagree with and who want nothing more than to escape from them.

So, am I crazy? I still think so. I want to believe it's unnatural to feel at odds with the simple facts of who you are on a daily basis, but the truth is it's not. This pervasive cultural discomfort makes finding a corroborating diagnosis of insanity difficult, regardless of your symptoms. Unless you fall in love with the Berlin wall, in which case, keep that nonsense over there, thanks.


This post was written in response to therealljidol Exhibit A, Week One Topic: Am I Crazy? Concrit and comments are welcome.

Comments

[kannnichtfranz.livejournal.com]

Everybody's crazy but me and thee, and sometimes I suspect thee a little.

My grandma used to say that -- now I wish I could recall the exact situations, exactly what we'd gotten ourselves up to when that quote came out. It does assume a certain level of self-confidence, I'll admit, but I've always liked it.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

That is an excellent saying. It's reminiscent of something my own grandmother and her sisters would say.

[occasionally.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think that intelligence can make one feel crazier, because we're more likely to try to rationalize our emotions.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Oh, absolutely. And there's also the stereotype of the mad genius. Not that I fancy myself a genius, but as a society we tend to romanticize the inability to cope with all that we know of the world. Of course, we do that while making people feel bad about being different, but no one ever said society was all that sane either. ;)

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

The word crazy can mean so many things to so many different people. I think we have to define it for ourselves. When I feel crazy, I feel like I am not myself, not who I am supposed to be, can't control my own reactions. Like a panic attack. It is a reaction that makes sense you can pinpointnwhy it happens, rationalize it. But that doesn't make it feel any less crazy when it is happening.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

The worst part of the panic attack was when I tried to rationalize it and tell myself that I was making it happen and I could just stop it. But then, you know, not being able to breathe is a very physical thing that you can't really trick your brain into fixing. I've had asthma since I was wee, I've tried. But I agree. I feel less crazy when I don't fit a societal mold than I do when I don't fit my own personal mold.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

I really like your reasoning here.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Not many people say that, so I'm going to print out this comment and paste it in my cube. ♥

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

I was most amused by the title of this post, and then I didn't see any further mention of the eiffel tower underneath your red skirt. :( Or perhaps that's just a symptom of the crazy. ;)

It really does seem to be a subjective thing, the idea of what is crazy.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, you know, I went back and forth with myself over whether to leave that as the title, since I don't mention that particular woman. Sometimes the associations for titles sit squarely in the no man's land of my brain and I'm the only person who can get to them.

But! That special I watched with the two women who were married to the Berlin Wall also had a woman in it who was in love with the Eiffel Tower, and they filmed her straddling one of the metal beams and proudly telling the camera that she wasn't wearing any panties and then moving a bit against it. So, you know, in case you were wondering if you could get off with the Eiffel Tower, you can!

I feel like at its core it has to be a subjective measure. The concept of crazy might not even make sense when held up to an objective standard. Like, most objective standards would measure that I am but not how I am, and those are important distinctions for societal groups. Even when it's just surface things like how much I weigh or what kind of music I listen to.

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

Now it makes more sense, at least. XD And my eyes are like o.O for that woman.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Dude, my eyes were like that the whole episode. There was another woman who was in love with an abandoned theme park ride and they showed her crawling under it and kissing it. How I felt about that made me stop and reexamine my thought processes, because while I am also deeply uncomfortable watching people kiss other people in public like that, I think I was more squicked by the different-ness of it than the kissing.

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

OH LORD! I wonder how they managed to get these people to agree to be on the show? Do they know people would be watching to see them as freaks or do they think it's an opportunity to show people how that sort of thing should be seen as "normal"?

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

A very interesting essay on what 'crazy' means. I enjoyed reading it.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Thank you muchly! It was different for me, putting my thought process down pretty much as I thought it.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

That last line made me laugh. :)

I really liked this entry. I feel like a lot of entries this week sort of skirted around or touched on the concept of insanity being subjective, but this one really delved into it, in a very thought provoking way. I'm actually going to share this entry with some friends of mine, if you don't mind!


So...which Hogwarts house ARE you? ;)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Look. I don't have any time for people who want to fall in love with things that aren't books or characters from comics. I have priorities!

Thank you. And of course, please share it wherever you like!

I'm in Slytherin, which no one who knows me will accept. My friends tend to put me in Hufflepuff or Gryffindor, but I don't know if those fee right. I feel like the core of me is meaner and less brave than either of those houses would need. That's a personal reflection which no one else seems to agree with, though. Regardless, the sorting hat on Pottermore put me in Slytherin, so I feel validated no matter what they say. ;)

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

Your (and Pottermore's) opinion are all that matters! I'm definitely a Hufflepuff, I was sooooooooo terrified that Pottermore would sort me somewhere else but it didn't. So much relief. :)

Slytherin is one of those misunderstood houses, I think lots of people (who aren't as obsessive) don't want their friends to be in it because they think that means they're "bad" or whatever, but there are other qualities to Slytherin than just "bad" and "mean". Some of my best friends are Slytherins!

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Hee. I have a few friends who count themselves as Gryffindors to the extreme who Pottermore placed in Slytherin and they were NOT pleased.

I find the houses fascinating as a whole, especially since the Sorting Hat acknowledges that most people could go either way, as it were, and how your choice ultimately weighs a lot in the decision. There are some lousy Gryffindors I'm sure, and some fantastically smart Hufflepuffs (not that I think Hufflepuffs are stupid, they're just not Ravenclaw), and some brave Ravenclaws, and wise-beyond-their-years Slytherins. It's about where think you belong or want to belong as much as it's about your separate traits, which is a sly way to teach kids some really important things about found families. Gosh, but I just love JKR and HP a whole bunch.

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

Self-awareness and reflection are both a blessing and a curse - take it from a classic overthinker who analyzes everything. It's easy to get caught up in spirals when considering cognition and what's "crazy". I think in the end we have to define things for ourselves, and then consider the consequences for other people, specifically for other people in our lives. If our reactions are creating discomfort not only in ourselves, but those who care for us, then perhaps we should seek our some help and a different perspective on the situation. If, instead, it's just the shadow of sneaky self-doubt hovering at the edges, the comfort of conformity denied, then maybe we just need to develop a bit of confidence and carry on.

But of course, I'm crazy, so what would I know? ;)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I agree with all of that entirely, and dude, I know. I spend way too much time in my own head dancing around things and warping meanings. Because who needs to just get on with life!? Not me!

*fistbump of mutual insanity*

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

There's reason here, behind your methods of madness. And your last paragraph made me smile, but it also made me think. I struggle, as do we all, and you worded the notion of diagnosis in this culture with such intelligence.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I find the idea of diagnosis to be a puzzle. Do I want someone to acknowledge these things about myself and then tell me I can be better, or do I want to accept these things as the best version of me because of what I've learned from them? I would greatly benefit from some ADD medication, but I'm afraid to take it because I don't want it to alter who I am. It's a balancing act, being aware. I have such terrible balance. ;)

[witches.livejournal.com]

I love this and I really relate too!

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I want to say I'm sorry you can relate, but also I'm selfishly glad. ♥

[witches.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean! ♥

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

In our common conversation we seem to label that which we don't understand as crazy--even our own actions. Interesting entry!

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. I call myself crazy all of the time, which led to me not understanding for a long time why other people were offended when I called them crazy. Because I didn't mean it in a negative or attacking way, I was just calling out the Other in us. I have since come to understand that that's not an incredibly charming line of thought and try to be more diplomatic about what I say of both myself and others.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

I rather liked The Last Stand, which probably says a little something about my mental health, too, LOL.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I think The Last Stand was just a lot of not my thing, but I understand how other people would really enjoy it. For one thing, it was a hell of a Chevy commercial. ;) And I mean, I like movies other people think are terrible ALL OF THE TIME, so arbiter of taste I am not. :p

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I am not usually triggered to such an extreme, so that was quite new to me. Usually I just see something and then feel bad for a while. But thank you. ♥

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

*smish*

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think overthinking one's reactions can make us "crazy." I often wonder if I didn't think so hard about certain things that life would be easier. Smile

[momebie.livejournal.com]

My life would definitely be easier if my brain just shut up every once in a while. For one thing, I'd probably get more sleep.

[lilycobalt.livejournal.com]

It's a dismissive catch-all term that lacks as much in precision as it does in empathy. So true.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

That's a thing I had to learn myself. I've been way better about the use of it since.

[jenny_evergreen]

Humans are annoyingly complicated sometimes. I'm sure the Berlin wall loves them back. Well done.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I think the Berlin Wall just might. And the Eiffel Tower as well. I'm not sure about the amusement park ride, I think it gets around.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

There's no scale, is there? The "well, everyone's a little bit crazy" dismissal, and the Very Scary Potentially Dangerous on the other, and no good way to explain the vast space between the two. :(

[momebie.livejournal.com]

No good way at all. :( The problem with trying to quantify it is that everyone is going to view relative levels of 'crazy' differently based on their surroundings and upbringing. It doesn't help that the idea of a sliding scale (sexual, gender, mental health, or otherwise) seems to confuse almost everyone. I have faith that they'll figure it out one day, though. That will probably involve not leaning so heavily on the perceptions of others, which is hard.

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

I liked the humorous self-deprecation here, and the last line was a great one. :)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Humorous self-deprecation is one of my talents! But thank you. ♥