LJ Idol: Exhibit A, Post #1 - Odes to the Eiffel Tower underneath my red skirt.

[momebie]

Am I crazy? Indubitably. There, this is going to be the easiest prompt of the whole competition!

I feel that, without a doubt, I am most certainly a crazy person. This opinion of myself though, is often met with resistance by the people around me. (As are many of my opinions about myself, such as the ones pertaining to my looks or my social skills or which Hogwarts house I'm in, but that's a whole other post.) Crazy is, it seems, not as crazy does. Instead, crazy is as crazy is perceived, and everyone's measure is different. So what is it that makes me crazy and why is it that we can't agree on a set identifier?

The term crazy gets a bad rap in the current online social community, for good reason. It's a dismissive catch-all term that lacks as much in precision as it does in empathy. What we call crazy are the thoughts and behaviors in others which we don't understand. The people on Hoarders, for instance, or the two women who are married to the Berlin wall. They are crazy. There is something identifiably deviant about these people when measured against the accepted social markers. They become too attached to things we don't think a person should be attached to, for starters.

This is where crazy gets slippery, because often those people don't think that they're crazy. It feels right to them to create these attachments. It would almost be crazier to deny the heart what it wants, which I think is a sentiment a lot of us can agree with when it's targeted toward other people or really nice shoes. Their neurological makeup does not understand why a person shouldn't fall in love with the Berlin wall, it merely does.

This line of thinking brings us back around to me and my brain, which feels guilty and awkward and deviant for the things that happen in it all of the time. Sunday I had a panic attack over the smell of a stranger's cologne. It triggered a negative response to a specific memory and my body reacted physically as if it was still in that situation. That made me feel crazy. It was a reaction which I mentally identified as being deviant when related to my current physical state of safety. I mean, other people don't stop breathing as they're leaving movie theaters. The Last Stand wasn't good, but it wasn't so bad it robbed me of life.

When I voiced concern over my reaction in relation to my mental state, several people who know me assured me that I wasn't crazy, that I'm still not, because they could identify with my reaction. It wasn't deviant. I'm not crazy because they understand me, and they're not crazy. This attitude, of course, does not take into account my personal discomfort with my own mind, which is really what makes most of us feel crazy when we do.

What about the people then who don't feel uncomfortable with who they are, but who make us uncomfortable? Much like in Catch-22, if you can identify that you might be insane, then you are sane enough to hide it and perform your duties. You think you're crazy, so you can't possible be crazy. Congratulations! But that is little comfort to the people still fighting the battles they disagree with and who want nothing more than to escape from them.

So, am I crazy? I still think so. I want to believe it's unnatural to feel at odds with the simple facts of who you are on a daily basis, but the truth is it's not. This pervasive cultural discomfort makes finding a corroborating diagnosis of insanity difficult, regardless of your symptoms. Unless you fall in love with the Berlin wall, in which case, keep that nonsense over there, thanks.


This post was written in response to therealljidol Exhibit A, Week One Topic: Am I Crazy? Concrit and comments are welcome.

Comments

[kannnichtfranz.livejournal.com]

Everybody's crazy but me and thee, and sometimes I suspect thee a little.

My grandma used to say that -- now I wish I could recall the exact situations, exactly what we'd gotten ourselves up to when that quote came out. It does assume a certain level of self-confidence, I'll admit, but I've always liked it.

[occasionally.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think that intelligence can make one feel crazier, because we're more likely to try to rationalize our emotions.

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

The word crazy can mean so many things to so many different people. I think we have to define it for ourselves. When I feel crazy, I feel like I am not myself, not who I am supposed to be, can't control my own reactions. Like a panic attack. It is a reaction that makes sense you can pinpointnwhy it happens, rationalize it. But that doesn't make it feel any less crazy when it is happening.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

I really like your reasoning here.

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

I was most amused by the title of this post, and then I didn't see any further mention of the eiffel tower underneath your red skirt. :( Or perhaps that's just a symptom of the crazy. ;)

It really does seem to be a subjective thing, the idea of what is crazy.

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

A very interesting essay on what 'crazy' means. I enjoyed reading it.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

That last line made me laugh. :)

I really liked this entry. I feel like a lot of entries this week sort of skirted around or touched on the concept of insanity being subjective, but this one really delved into it, in a very thought provoking way. I'm actually going to share this entry with some friends of mine, if you don't mind!


So...which Hogwarts house ARE you? ;)

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

Self-awareness and reflection are both a blessing and a curse - take it from a classic overthinker who analyzes everything. It's easy to get caught up in spirals when considering cognition and what's "crazy". I think in the end we have to define things for ourselves, and then consider the consequences for other people, specifically for other people in our lives. If our reactions are creating discomfort not only in ourselves, but those who care for us, then perhaps we should seek our some help and a different perspective on the situation. If, instead, it's just the shadow of sneaky self-doubt hovering at the edges, the comfort of conformity denied, then maybe we just need to develop a bit of confidence and carry on.

But of course, I'm crazy, so what would I know? ;)

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

There's reason here, behind your methods of madness. And your last paragraph made me smile, but it also made me think. I struggle, as do we all, and you worded the notion of diagnosis in this culture with such intelligence.

[witches.livejournal.com]

I love this and I really relate too!

[fourzoas.livejournal.com]

In our common conversation we seem to label that which we don't understand as crazy--even our own actions. Interesting entry!

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

I rather liked The Last Stand, which probably says a little something about my mental health, too, LOL.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think overthinking one's reactions can make us "crazy." I often wonder if I didn't think so hard about certain things that life would be easier. Smile

[lilycobalt.livejournal.com]

It's a dismissive catch-all term that lacks as much in precision as it does in empathy. So true.

[jenny_evergreen]

Humans are annoyingly complicated sometimes. I'm sure the Berlin wall loves them back. Well done.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

There's no scale, is there? The "well, everyone's a little bit crazy" dismissal, and the Very Scary Potentially Dangerous on the other, and no good way to explain the vast space between the two. :(

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

I liked the humorous self-deprecation here, and the last line was a great one. :)