Worn well, like a rosary.

[momebie]

I am all out of sorts and having a really hard time being me lately. I just have this constant, deep feeling of confusion that wells up sometimes and makes me forget what I was even doing. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want to do anymore. And I feel guilty about it, because some of my friends are having very tangibly shitty times of it lately and I'm not. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. But I can't voice it. Not that I'd know how if I felt like I was allowed to.

It's different than my general undercurrent of existential angst, too. It's both more and less sharp and more and less frightening because I can't write it off as that. It's not as heavy as my bout of massive anxiety early in the year, and it doesn't feel inescapable and depressive. It just...is. Like all things, I suppose. But that's never something that's sat easy with me, things just being.

It doesn't help that I don't know where I'll be in a year. There are places I'd like to be, but right now I'm letting a lot of my less immediate future hinge on the Boy deciding what to do about grad school, because I should go with him. I'm getting older. It's time to move on with my life. I want to move on with my life with him in it. I want to go and be with him wherever he settles on school and then hash out the future from there. At the same time his mere existence isn't enough of a star to set my course by, you know? I want to plan. I wan't to act. I want something to look forward to, not simply this gaping crack in the universe up ahead. And the thing about the abyss is, it stares back.

Also, writing. Self-sabotage. Afraid of failure and success. KL should just settle for how she'll never finish anything that she's written and never sell anything she's written and be happy with her AO3 kudos but she won't because she doesn't know how to be complacent. Yada yada. Here, take this switch and help me further pummel this dead horse about the head and shoulders.

I don't know. I'm out of evens to can. And it's slowly turning my insides vaporous.

I came home tonight and re-read Without Blood. I don't know why, really. I just got an itch to earlier and it's short and mean and I thought 'why not?' It didn't make me feel better. It didn't answer any of my questions. But, it did make me feel calm for about an hour and that's one less hour of feeling like an utter basket case, so I'm chalking it up in the Good Life Choices category.

They got out in front of a hotel called California. The sign lit up in big red letters, one by one, up the four floors of the building. When the word was complete it shone for a little while, then went out completely and began again from the first letter. C. Ca. Cal. Cali. Calif. Califo. Califor. Californ. Californi. California. California. California. California. Darkness.

Comments

[comedychick.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3

I don't know that I have anything good I can offer that'll make things better, but I do know that self-sabotage feeling. Being afraid of both failure and success. But I still want you to finish your story about Mattie :P

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I know you know. ♥ And thanks! It's honestly just the continued interest in my silly thoughts that keeps me working some days.

[metonymy.livejournal.com]

I know you know this, but other people having shitty times does not invalidate feeling unhappy in your own head. And having an uncertain future can definitely be extremely upsetting. And and and. <3 I have to go get dressed now but I wanted to comment first. I think you're a cool person and an amazing writer and that you'll do awesome things no matter what the future holds. I don't know if this is helping but it's true.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

You always help. ♥ And I do know, but the last time I talked about having a bad day I got called out for having a loving boyfriend and friends and stuff, so it's probably just easier to not say anything for now. I don't know.

As for the rest of it, I just need to remind myself that all things happen one step at a time.

H

[winnett.livejournal.com]

Honey Bunny.... *hugs you*

I hate that feeling of just floating and not knowing where you're going to be, where you want to be, but (for me anyway) mainly knowing I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.

You have my ear and my support and I hope you get it all figured out.

About your writing. I want to say that you are such a fucking good writing. the things you post just amazing me. I think, wow, that turn of phrase, that imagery, so awesome and vivid!

Maybe you just need discipline, because you can make it. You need to force yourself to write every day. Finish a rough draft. Then go back and polish it. Don't polish along the way because that takes forever. then, send it out to online mags. Send them all out. Write, Polish, Submit... because trust me, someone will LOVE to get your work.

Just listen to me. Do this, just once, twice, and then go back to what you want to do, but force yourself in a hole and do these steps and I bet you'll see it works.

Good luck, my dear. Don't be afraid. You deserve it. I used to feel that same way. I was afraid to finish because just what if I did make it, and did I deserve it? I had a bad childhood with self-worth problems... I'm not fixed, but I'm getting better. Not saying my issues are your issues, but just keep stepping forward.

HUGS

Re: H

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Not Here is definitely the place I want to be. I sometimes worry that I want to be anywhere from here, because I'm feeling desperate and closed in. But then I go someplace that I don't think I could live, like New York or New Orleans, and I'm reminded that I know more about what I want than I let on to myself sometimes.

Thank you. Discipline is DEFINITELY the thing I need. I also need organization and to train myself to work regardless of 'whim' or 'what's speaking to me'. Clearly depending on that stuff has gotten me a whole lot of nothing accomplished over the last 6 years or so, so it's time for a more practical tactic.

Maybe if I make a list of things that need to be finished. Short stories and poems and novels and the like, and break it up, origina/fan/original, and make myself stick to a completion/submission schedule, I can con myself into treating writing like a business like I should be.

We'll get over our issues yet, yes?

*SMISH*

Re: H

[winnett.livejournal.com]

I find I'm great with discipline under some circumstances, but under others I totally suck. I'm kinda being a flake this month and it's making me unhappy. Seems simple enough to find happiness by tossing away the flakyness, right?

I could totally live with a writing in the morning kinda gig. Like four hours a day. I'm there, let me tell you. I wish I could support myself off my writing right now. Someday, right?

We won't get over our issues totally, but they will mellow--like us--with age.

I'm not sure exactly what I want. I want to explore, but I want a real home, too. I was thinking of doing the exploring when I was young, but that time is running out. It's all so frustrating and I feel frustrated and that's not solving anything.

So, hopefully I can make it writing. Or I really need to get off my butt and find a new job.

Hang in there, my dear. You are my sister in issues, let me tell you. *HUGS*

[tailoredshirt.livejournal.com]

I think it makes sense that you're experiencing this malaise when you feel like you're spinning your wheels and your future is dependent upon someone else's choices. Not exactly the same, but it makes me think of how I felt before I moved out of my mom's place over the summer. I'd been living with her for years and my whole life was just stuck. There were all of these things I wanted to do and talked about doing in the future ("when I live on my own," "when I write a novel," etc.) but those things started to feel like something I looked forward to out of habit and not because I could actually imagine them happening. So deciding to get my crap together and move out was really good for me because that future felt like it could really happen and I was actively doing something about it. Not that living on my own hasn't come with its own stressors, but I do feel like it's given me the momentum to make some changes in my life and do things I've been talking about for a long time.

It's not advice or anything, because lord knows I'm the last person who should be giving advice to anyone, but maybe you could make a list of things you've always wanted to do but figure won't happen for a while. And then put a lot of effort into making something happen now. For me, so many things I wanted to do - start dating, start going places and making new friends, start writing regularly, start seeing a therapist - were things I thought I could only do if I lived on my own, so living on my own got everything moving. Maybe you have a similar mental block? Either way, I think actively pursuing something you really want could help. Just having a goal of moving out, even when it was months down the road, gave me something to focus on and work towards, which made me happier.

A couple years ago, a friend started asking me why I didn't move out of my mom's place, if that's what I really wanted. I told her I couldn't afford it, thinking she'd stop asking, but she kept pressing and linking me to apartment listings (that I mostly ignored, because I didn't want to live there anyway, she had no idea what my situation was really like, etc.). I'd become comfortable with the excuse that I couldn't afford it, so her evidence that I could afford it was annoying. It ended up being a good thing though, because it forced me to look at things anew and answer her questions truthfully instead of relying on stock answers. So, uh, I hope this isn't overstepping, but why do you have to wait on him to make a decision about grad school before you decide what you want? Are you just using it as an excuse to not do things, or to not make hard decisions? It sounds like you're not letting yourself do anything until he decides, which is making you feel stuck/powerless/despondent and it's seeping into other parts of your life, like your writing. Sometimes we assume certain pieces of our lives are immovable (job, living situation, city of residence) and that automatically puts a lot of limits on what we think we can do. It sounds really trite, but imagining that there were no limits, even for a moment, can break down some of those mental barriers. So, what if his decision wasn't a factor? What would you want to do then?

You don't have to tell me the answers, obviously. Just food for thought, if you want it. I hope you figure some things out soon, and if you ever want to talk let me know.

(Also, I'm sorry if I'm applying too of my situation to yours, assuming that the same things that helped me will help you. I just recognize a lot of those feelings.)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

You should never be sorry for pulling from your own experiences in order to help others. It's the only way we can relate sometimes. Also, this time, they're pretty apt.

I should make a new list. A few of them, really. I make lists all of the time, at the start of every year in fact, but I hardly stick to them. Then come December I'm just a little more angry with myself than I was in January because the list shows that I'm a lazy ass and an utter failure AGAIN. I think my problem is that I don't make lists practically. I just make them as something to shoot for. Yes I will finish this novel, never mind that I don't make enough time to write and that half of it is dependent on something else. Yes I will publish a poem, never mind that I know very little about poetry and am still learning and god, I would not want someone to publish the prose I wrote in high school, so why am I trying to publish the poetic equivalent. Yes, I will look into grad school. And then I do, but I let money or time or Boy's schedule dictate how I fail at that one.

If I really want all of these things, why don't I just do them? That's the question most people ask. And I don't know. Much of the time I simply scare myself out of thinking they're plausible, which is a stupid, cowardly way to live, alas.

I think this year I need to make a smarter list. A list of steps, not grand completions. They're going to have to be steps that continually move forward. One step/month at a time. I should focus on health and writing, but also allowing myself entertainment in between. Most often I make grand work schedules and then they all go to pot because I HAVE TO MAKE TIME TO WATCH TV, OKAY? New episodes of Arrow are clearly more important than the rest of my life. ;)

[gisforgreen.livejournal.com]

KL you need to calm down. Easier said than done, but this isn't all going to get fixed at once so just let yourself step back and reassess. Make lists.

I think if you let yourself be a little bit more proactive about the stuff you CAN change right now you'll feel a little less out of control and less trapped by the stuff you can't change.

And I know you're scared, but I really think the way for you to do that is with your writing.

I know it seems like the publishers/readers/whatever have the power in all this, but they don't have control over how you feel about your writing. You do. And I think once you write without holding the pressure of success over yourself constantly you will enjoy it more and be better at it.

Also don't let other people make you feel like you aren't good enough as yourself or that your choices aren't valid because they aren't right for someone else ok?

I've been in friends love with you basically since we met and that's when you liked weird anime shit and we only had like 2 things in common.

You're a good person regardless of what you create or what you like and I know that makes things a little bit scarier because it's something you can't really change or define, but it would only be a bad thing if you were a shit stain on humanity ok?

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I am physically and mentally incapable of calming down. It's what makes it so fun to be me! D:

But I know. One step at a time. One breath after another. I need to try and not let myself get so overwhelmed by possible complete outcomes when I'm not doing anything to try and bring about those or different outcomes. GOOD JOB BEING A CRAZY PERSON, KL.

And I love you too. I'm really glad you're here to tell me to calm down. Even if I can't. ♥

[gisforgreen.livejournal.com]

Friends, man

[mrsquizzical.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

[jenniferkoliver.livejournal.com]

I know I haven't been around much lately and comments have been sparse, but *GLOMP* These weird transitional periods are frustrating but also totally normal. I hope you get some resolution soon, I really do. It's not fun feeling stuck in a rut and indecisive.

I believe you can pwn the writing thing, though. Maybe start small, and send out some flash or micro-fiction. It's way less pressure, and you're not giving yourself enough time to lose faith in it (I do that all the time, which is why my fiction output is very low).

xx

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I have actually been keeping an eye on the flash sites you mention on your journal, trying to talk myself into trying some of them out. I also mull over the idea of submitting a story idea to the Jukepop site, but I'm wary of not being able to keep up a schedule or having to turn into a marketing machine to get it read.

*TACKLES* I'M GLAD YOU'RE STILL AROUND, YO.