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Oregon Trail on Facebook? Who cares, we've been out here the whole time.

The not so unexpected consequence of watching the first episode of Portlandia is that it made me want to move to Portland.

No, that doesn't quite convey what I mean. I've wanted to move to Portland for years. The complication that arose somewhere between Getting To Know Your Free Range Chicken and Locking Steve Buscemi In A Tea Store was that it made me want to ALREADY BE in Portland. Like, yesterday. And the day before. And on and on.

Everyone who commented on the first episode on Hulu mentioned how living in Portland is JUST LIKE THE SHOW. Needless to say I have very high expectations. How do you say that in French? Is it "attente très haute"? No really, I want to know. I'm considering getting a pretentious tattoo to mark the occasion. It's that or a Bright Eyes lyric.

Listen, don't ask me why I want to move there. I can't really tell you. And I'm not just saying that because it's classified information and I'd have to kill you. (I always err on the side of maiming anyway. Blood stains are a bitch to get out, you guys.) I honestly don't know. I've never been to Portland. I've never even driven through Oregon. I have some friends there, but knowing a place doesn't really work via osmosis through the internet yet. I just have this inexplicable tug in my gut and an empty cavity in my chest where home should be. It's right to the left of my heart. If you knock on my ribs you can hear it.

I am fully expecting Portland to fill that hole.

Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. I am not a proponent of running away from your problems. I know that when I do finally manage to pick my sorry ass up out of my cube and drag it across the country, the main source of my problems will still be there. Namely, me. But sometimes you just need a change of scenery to put everything into perspective, you know?

I'm saying that like my problems are plentiful. They're not really. I have a pretty good life here. I have friends and hipster douchebag farmer's markets and low lit coffee houses and a decent indie record store and a vegetarian tea house. Watching the show this evening actually drove home just how much of what I'm looking forward to having out there I already have right here. A city is just a city. It's a thing. You have to put into it what you want to get out of it. After all, the Orlando I inhabit is not the one you are likely to find if you come here to visit the mouse or the boy wizard.

I expect to put so much into Portland. Right now, getting up in the morning feels like revision. I go to the same places and do the same things. Orlando is my rosary and I click through the beads deftly, without looking. All around me are the vestments of the person I used to be. And as I re-write and edit over the history of that person I can't help but keep an eye on the blank page where I'll start the new chapter. It's so important to me to get this chapter right before I move on, but I've always been enamored with possibility.

Right now I'm head over heels in love with the possibility of what I can make of Portland.

remembering sent me a post card from Portland when she visited the city a while back. On the message part of the card it simply says 'Come home, KL'. I'm working on it.

This [rare non-fiction] entry was written for Topic 11: Haute at

therealljidol. All comments and questions are welcome.

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This made me go Awwww though I have a friend who wants to leave Portland just as badly as you want to live there...she is tired of the weather. LOL. But yeah, I am not where I want to be, either. There is a 'feel' to life that I seek and which, to my shock, I felt a jolt of in Nashville of all places. NASHVILLE? But it was there, this feeling of 'I should be here.' My sister and her family are there, so that is part of it, but...I had that feeling in Cardiff too, the second time there, after I got to know the city better. It had that tug.

My home city does give me that every once in awhile, and I do like it here--like right now? The weather we have here makes me LOVE it--but I've lived here all my freakin' life. I want to do different, and am already 48, but now is not the right time.

Nick followed his call to do different, and he is now on his way out of Kiel for the last time, heading for his new life in the UK. He is doing it. You can do it, too. I believe in you, KL! I do.

♥♥♥

My brother used to live in Portland. I'm pretty sure he really liked it there.

I think that sometimes there are places that you just know you're meant to be, and there's no way to really explain how you know that.

I don't know. I guess I think that I can acclimate and enjoy living just about anywhere, but certain places feel like home. Colorado feels like home to me, and Fort Collins in particular. If I lived somewhere other than Colorado, I imagine I'd dream of living somewhere else. Somewhere that gave me that feeling of comfort and belonging. And it's not because all good things have happened to me in Colorado or because I've lived here so long. My years as an army brat taught me what home feels like.

I can definitely see you in Portland. Have I ever mentioned how much I admire you for following this dream and for having a goal that you're actively working toward?

My own at-home city isn't quite as attainable, but I know Matt and I will get there someday.

If you have to set your sights much lower, you could always move to Forks.

Orlando is my rosary and I click through the beads deftly, without looking.

That is the best description for you living here that I have ever heard.

I wonder, though, if the problem of home in Orlando is more the professional life that has been carved rather than all the other things. Because the main drain of Orlando seems to be the routine (and the soul-sucking job). In Portland you'll start totally fresh—and I think the atmosphere will be more encouraging of dreamers—so you won't have an established click.

(I really do think Portland will be amazing for you; I'm just musing on your comment about already having the things you want in Portland.)

The need to move and be and exist in a different, more creative and welcoming space is understandable. I agree with Em that Portland will be good for you. It will also help that you'll have friends there already and an idea of what you want from your life there. You have expectations and while that may set you up for some disappointment, it also sets you up for some major satisfaction.

You're dreaming a little bigger, darling.

Substitute "Boston" for "Portland" and "Jersey" for "Orlando," and I pretty much felt/feel the same way. I love NJ, don't get me wrong - but it's not the right place for me, and it might not ever be again in this life. Boston is who I am right now.

So. This is my turn to be understanding - I GET YOU, KL, AND I LOVE YOU ALL THE MORE FOR IT. <333

ANTICIPATION. Well done.

Maybe sometimes your life calling just puts on a pretty costume it knows you'll like so you'll follow. I think that's what places are to us. I've felt that way off and on about a ton of places...european cities, santa cruz.

One of my good friends moved to Portland and she probably could have written this post, only she really does have the "run away from my problems" problem. She had to move as far away from her home (Massachusetts) as she could (Oregon). Apparently she really loves it and it's really beautiful. I'd love to visit her there.

Orlando is my rosary and I click through the beads deftly, without looking.

you have a way with words, lady.

I used to feel that way about Alaska - I couldn't see a tv show set in the state without trying to look up plane tickets and jobs. I ended up working there for a summer, which took the edge off, but I still want to go back.

Sometimes you just don't fit somewhere, and gotta go somewhere you do fit. I know the feeling well. It sucks total balls ;____;

I've visited Portland a few times. I heart it.

The first time I went to Portland on a roadtrip one of my roadtripmates stayed behind in Portland when we continued.

The second time I went to Portland I lost the person I had gone there with and had to desperately find a ride back to Seattle for a Sunday morning flight.

Such is Portland!

Good luck with that move. It sounds exciting. Nice entry.

Oh I have always wanted to visit that area of the country. My GF used to live in Washington and she swears once I see Oregon, I'll never want to come back to South Carolina.

Great entry!

Portland is a beautiful city and I would love to live there. :) Nicely written. :)

I have a friend who lives in Portland and I keep saying I'll make it out there to visit!

I love this entry. I love the idea of each day being a revision and the image of clicking through beads. Portland is a nice city. I've been telling myself for a while now that if I put more into where I live now I'd like it better, but then I don't know part of me wants to move back home. Your restlessness really came through in this entry.

Portland is, perhaps, more of a state of mind than a city in a state. We all, after a fashion, have our Portland, you know?

Well done! Welcome to non-fiction. :D

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