What happens on Raxicoricofallapatorius stays on Raxicoricofallapatorius.

[momebie]

It's really painful to go home and feel like you don't belong there.

My parents' house stinks of dust and dirt and probably a little mildew. It's not overwhelming, not to me anyway, but it's definitely there. When I lived there, some ten years ago, it was messy. Now it's a disaster. When I go back all I can see are the seating areas you can't sit in because of all the crap in them, the years and years of dust on table and bar surfaces covered in piles of newspaper fliers and notes and receipts that no one is ever going to go through, and the way the carpets are dingy and worn through in some places. It makes me miserable to think about. When I go home I stay with my boyfriend's family when I can so I don't have to deal with it.

My mother is trying to slowly work through the house and get things cleared up, but she works three jobs. My brothers live at home because they're going to school close to there, and my dad only works one job. You'd think at some point any of the three of them would get sick of living in filth and help mom try and organize things or clean them away. But they don't. They'd rather play WoW or go golfing.

It's not only the physical mess that drives me away, it's the verbal shit storms that my presence there seems to bring about. My father is a very staunch conservative, which is fine in and of itself, except he spends all of his time watching FOX News and parroting that shit back at us. The boys, for whatever reason, have decided to absorb these 'facts' and not question them. Now, I do not think badly of conservatives of any breed simply because they're conservative. Just because most of my views are quite liberal does not mean that anyone else is Wrong. What I DO think badly of is being told that I am too young to understand the world and that I'll give up my liberal beliefs eventually and how can I sleep at night knowing that I put that Idiot in office?

And about now you're thinking to yourself: why can't you just not talk about politics with your family? You know? I would love to. I would love more than ANYTHING ON THE PLANET to be able to go home and have a discussion about ANYTHING without being dragged into some sort of political debate. But I can't, because stuff like this happens:

Me: So basically your Kindle or your Nook is what you want. The iPad is probably more than you really need, even if it is shiny like the future.
Dad: The future isn't so shiny anymore with the current administration.

Over Thanksgiving my dad tried to call me on the carpet and tell me how wrong I was for having Opinions and I finally told him that I just didn't fucking care. Because I don't. I'm not a person who is interested in political discussion. Ever. For any reason. I love listening to people's points of view, but it's also important to me for the speaker to be respectful to others while they explain. I prefer not to see the world in blacks and whites. And I refuse to be preached to by people who do. I can hardly spend more than a few hours at home anymore.

The problem is that they're my family and I love them. And because I can only spend a few hours at home once every couple of months without completely losing my mind, I feel like there's something wrong with me. What kind of a bitch am I? Why can't I fulfill my familial obligation? Why can't I smile and nod at their hate and their stubbornness and their rigidly simple world perspectives? And why don't I really want to be able to? I worry a lot about getting older and becoming ostracized because I'm never there and I'm not interested in the same things they are.

I have recently begun making plans to move to Portland, Oregon in the fall of 2012. It's something I had wanted to do years ago, but had to put off for several reasons. But now that I've made the decision I've been feeling a bit down about it all. Not the move really, because I need that, but about other things. I'll sometimes look around myself at Disney or at Universal or just out to dinner with my friends and think about how I'll be losing this. About how I'll never get to do some of these things again. But nine hours with my family pushed me firmly into being excited to leave. If I'm not close, I don't have to come home. That thought thrilled me. And then I thought about how awful it was of me to think about people I loved that way, which made me cry for twenty minutes over my frustrations with baking blueberry mini pies. (Because really, who cries over pie? Someone who's worried about something else, that's who.)

And that feeling? The way it spreads through my soul? That feeling stinks more than any amount of dirt or dust ever could.


This entry was written for Free Topic: Stink, Stank, Stunk at therealljidol. All comments and questions are welcome.

Comments

[murphstheman.livejournal.com]

all I'm going to say is I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way about going home...I live 25 miles from my mom and hate going home...she has a horrible way of bringing up the past and making you feel guilty all over again, she can't let anything go...even if it happened 30 years ago...so I understand completely the wanting to get as far away as possible. I can only handle a few hours with mine also, so don't feel alone in that, don't feel guilty about it, you have your own set of values and opinions, value yourself and what you believe in...it's the only way to stay sane in this world. *hugs*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

It does help to know that there are other people who feel this way, even if I wish they didn't. And I agree, valuing yourself is the only sane way to be. Thank you. ♥

[brilliant-snark.livejournal.com]

Hon, I feel the same way about my family and let it make me feel like a Bad Person because I don't want to be around the negativity and drama because I happen to *gasp* have my own opinions. My mom is extremely conservative and religious in the "this exact way is the only correct way" sense, and my in-laws are conservative and just...not like us. Jess and I often day dream of living someplace that neither set would be likely to visit... :P

This post hits a lot of home. *hugs*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

WHEN YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA NO ONE WILL WANT TO VISIT. Oh wait, that's not how Florida works.

*snuggles*

[brilliant-snark.livejournal.com]

NO, it doesn't work that way since mine LIVE THERE. *pout*

*snuggles back*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Oh boo. That's even worse than them wanting to visit you at Disney all the time.

[mrsquizzical.livejournal.com]

*HUGS YOU TIGHT*

there's nothing wrong with you. you love them and you also have to look after your own psyche.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I am trying really hard to look after my own psyche!

*smoosh*

[canellaphile.livejournal.com]

You should not cry over pie. :(

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!

Sooner or later everyone realizes that they are either:

Type 1: The kind of person who wants to keep their family in their social circle forEVAR and insists on living nearby or visiting often, and probably has kids who make playdates with cousins once a week.
(I shouldn't judge, but...WTF, TYPE 1? Unless your family is freakin rad, I generally drift apart from these people.)

Type 2: Everyone else, who can stand about 2.5 hours in the company of either parent, maybe once a year, maybe a whole day in the company of a Cool Granny or Cool Uncle. Beyond that, and you wanna stick your head in the oven.

No joke: I realized it around age 26... wished it coulda been earlier to save me the time I spent making an effort. But here I am, 32, and I still struggle with whether or not I feel "up" for a visit every 3 or 4 years. Seriously, you gotta prioritize your own sanity.

IT IS MY MOTTO NOW. "Prioritize your own sanity."

Also, *hugs*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Boy was utterly perplexed by why I broke into tears when he told me his sister probably couldn't use the present I gave and then started babbling about fucking up the pies. I knew it wasn't about the pies, but I couldn't tell him what it WAS about. I just felt horrible about being alive all of a sudden.

Heh. I was never going to be a Type 1. I have been leaving my whole life. Involved in too many clubs. Got my driver's license the minute I could. Moved away for school and never came back. And that makes it all sound horrible. My childhood wasn't bad. For the most part my parents were supportive of what I wanted to be and do. There were always some neuroses in the way they did things, but who doesn't have those?

I think prioritizing your sanity is the way to go! It's taken me a long time to make myself who I am. I need to hang on to it.

[matthewbowers.livejournal.com]

First off, when you come to Portland to visit, I am going to give you the biggest hug you have ever experienced. Not just because I'll be happy to see you (which I will be) but because I'll have been saving up hugs I owed you for times like this.

Second off, I feel ya. I do. I lucked out in that my parents and I mostly get along, but I have a similar problem with my aunt's family. They've learned not to talk about politics around us, but they still spew racist and homophobic garbage at a near constant rate, and it's infuriating. Yes, it's my uncle and my cousins, and not my parents, but I still feel bad for not wanting to be around them.

Third off, I am loathe to speak ill of someone else's family, but it sounds like your dad is being intentionally provocative, insensitive, and adversarial, and I don't think anyone should have to feel bad about not wanting to be around someone who acts like that, no matter what the relationship. Especially someone as good-natured as you.

In short, you are NOT a terrible person, you are an awesome person, you are completely normal for feeling the way you do, and I can't wait until you're here, stealing my women and dragging me to weird events where people wear welding goggles and pocket watches.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, I'm sorry I'm such a high maintenance LJ friend! On the other hand, I never turn down hugs.

For the most part I feel like I lucked out with my family, too. I have never wanted for love. I have always been clean and fed and clothed. They support me being me in all of the ways they know about. (There are several things I don't tell them for fear of the repercussions. Sometimes it's just better not to hurt people.) They paid for my college and my car. That's why it hurts me so much that I just can't be around them. I feel like I owe them more than I can give them as the person I am.

I just don't know how I came to be this person, and that's what is bothering me so much. It also frustrates me to see them doing the things that piss me off and recognizing who I used to be in them. I have tried for a long time to be more patient, more kind, more understanding, more sympathetic, and more open to new ideas. I react badly to their bad behavior because I know that has been me, could be me, if I didn't keep myself so aware of the wonders of the world I live in. I wish I could give my dad and brothers a good shaking and make them realize how ignorant and mean they sounded.

And I don't think anyone will argue with that assessment of my dad, not even my mom. When I was younger I was afraid of him. He was the one who yelled. The one who doled out punishments. The one who could make me feel so incredibly small for no reason. And the thing is, his dad was so much worse. From what I can gleam his dad was physically and mentally abusive to an nth degree and you can tell that my dad is struggling not to be that person. We weren't beaten or abandoned or neglected. But he also doesn't know how to be the dad that I think he wants to be, so he settles for being stubborn and crotchety and provocative as a way to remind us that he's the one in charge. That's what I think, anyway. I doubt he'd agree.

So yeah. I AM SO FULL OF ~FEELINGS. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. Also, those weird events are going to be epic.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

You know, as a parent of two, one an official adult and the other near-enough, I just sigh over these situations. I dunno...both my kids live with me, my house is The Everyone's House (come one! come all!) and I value treating both my kids with the respect that I expect them to give me...scenarios like this are just so foreign to me and by golly I intend to keep it that way. I wish I had some advice but you know they won't change--so I say good for you for putting yourself first.

Where did you come from KL? Actually...my dad was raised by an extremely prejudiced woman and he is anything but. He did what you did--he moved away.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Yes yes, keep them that way. Not that I think you could change them for the worst if you wanted. You're just that awesome of a person.

Honestly, I wish I could move my mother out of that house. We haven't always gotten along, but right now we're doing quite well in relation to each other, I feel. As well as we can do, anyway. I don't wish any of them ill, obviously, but for her I wish better.

I've inherited a lot of bad traits from the both of my parents--traits I've spent quite some time learning to overcome--but I've also inherited a sense of wonder in the world. I've developed the need to explore and create and BECOME, which I can sit here and blame on Sartre all day, but it had to have started somewhere before that for me to have so readily found myself at home with those concepts. Basically, it's not all bad, which is why I feel so badly about wanting to stay away. I feel like I owe them for all of the things they DID do for me, still do for me.

Being an autonomous person can be so confusing.

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it can be indeed. I just wish sometimes that I'd had the opportunity at a younger age to get out there...or made the opportunity. My middle sister did! But not me. And then my life changed drastically and it was like the damn breaking. Since then, I've chomped on the bit to get out, do things, go places, see certain people...and now, wow, getting FIRED (grrr) made me think what else i can do to improve myself. I just want, since I'm the kids' only parent now, to be a good one. I could be better, that's for sure, but I think I'm doing okay so far. But part of that (and just being a better person for others) is to be happy with what you are doing. I think the path you are wanting to follow is the right one for you and I suspect your mom supports you, quite a bit.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I love all of the ways in which you're looking at how you can turn these things to your advantage. You remind me not to give up when I feel like I'll never accomplish anything. After all, there is no try, only do and do not. ;)

[paragraphs.livejournal.com]

Yoda was very wise! :)

I get scared about doing new things just like anybody--esp. when it is foisted on me. (grrr) But I can't give up. I have done that too many times and now, good grief I am 48! And healthy and etc., if I don't do this now, there will be no more time. That's why I encourage you, and other friends tackling making changes happen in their lives. Nick. I don't want you guys to look back with regret, like I do. Heavy regret. :*(

[seratonation.livejournal.com]

no dude, its ok to not like your family. i'm 24 and still live at home, but my relationship with my mum is best when either of us is travelling or we're too busy to talk to each other (my mum is travelling at the moment, and i miss her so much but when they said go with her, i thought no way in hell)

you're not awful (i cannot bring myself to call you that other word, because you should never ever feel like that) for wanting to get away, especially when it's obvious that its a really negative environment for you to be in.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

My mother and I fought almost constantly from the time I was 14 until I moved away to college. We still disagree about things, but she's the one I relate to the most. We talk to each other more candidly now.

*pets* Thank you, but it's okay. I'm pretty capable of being a horrific little bitch. I try really hard not to be one, though. I think that's why it all irks me so much. I try really hard not to be rude to other people, and then I go home and get nothing but rudeness.

[seratonation.livejournal.com]

the important thing is you try. imma quote Dumbledore at you "It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"

(sorry i had to! dumbledore!!)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I think Dumbledore has some very wise things to say. ♥

[myras-girls.livejournal.com]

I have extremely complicated feelings relating to my family and I think I can sympathize. One of the most loving choices I make for myself is limiting my time with my family and taking care of my needs because my family are never going to take care of my needs and hardly any of their own.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

You are a strong and wonderful person. ♥

The thing that complicates my feelings is that they take care of my material needs and always have. So I feel like I owe them for raising me and making sure I had all of the opportunities that could be afforded me. We've just never been an emotionally or physically close family, so even though we did all of these things together, it was as if we were all existing in our own little bubbles next to each other and never really inviting the others in. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just how I am. Maybe that's why sometimes when I have conversations with people my partner and I are having two entirely different conversations and I'm too self-absorbed to realize it.

I am made up entirely of faults. And that's fine, most people are. I just wish I knew how to explain to them that the way they behave hurts me without coming off like I think I'm better than they are. Pfah.

Maybe distance is best if that's the only way you know how to be.

*snuggles tight*

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

It's not awful to want your rights as a human being to be appreciated. And seriously, your father? I am closer in age to him than you, and take it from me, if he is seriously ridiculing your political choices in 2010, after a conservative government utterly destroyed the economic might that was post-Reagan and Clinton America (and it was Clinton who got you into surplus) and when your Republicans are being driven by a bunch of lunatics who are less intellectually coherent than the Yippees were even while coming from the other side of the political spectrum, then he has declared himself to have no grounding in economic or political understanding and can be accordingly ignored.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

He likes to bitch about Obama and socialists and how the government is ruining everything. Like they JUST started ruining everything in 2008. They've been ruining things forever! It's what they do! They're life ruiners! They ruin lives! [/obligatory Mean Girls quote]

And dude, I couldn't stand Bush as a person, but even with him I realized that a lot of what he was reacting to and dealing with was a long tail left by those before him. The decisions made in the government have lasting consequences. I get really, really frustrated when people talk about things Obama said in his campaign as if he's completely given on up them and is just being a two-faced douche. In my mind he is a man with good ideas who has come to realize the realities of his office. He doesn't have a magic wand. He can't make the government trundle along in a different way than it has been for so long.

I talk about how I don't have a head for politics, but when I say things like that my mother tells me that I probably understand more than I think I do. Of course, I can't say these things to my father. They don't placate him or make him think about things before he says them. His way is the Right way and lord help the person who doesn't agree. But yeah, I pretty much stopped listening to him ages ago. I can't decide if that's made it worse or not.

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

Anyone who believes that two years is enough to turn a country around for good or for bad cannot rationally be talking about any country larger than New Zealand. Unless said country pointlessly invades Iraq during this time ...

[momebie.livejournal.com]

POINTLESSLY!? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. IRAQ TOTALLY HAS LIKE, WEAPONS AND STUFF. THAT THEY MIGHT NOT LET US BORROW. Also, they stole that really cool remote control car we got for Christmas and dumped our Legos in the creek. We were going to build a really badass castle with those Legos. :(

[blamebrampton.livejournal.com]

OMG! You mean the whole thing happened because Dubya could not tell the difference between Iraq and Denmark? Suddenly, it all makes sense!

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I actually wouldn't be that surprised if he couldn't. And I mean that in all seriousness, as someone who is pretty horrid with geography myself.

[gina-r-snape.livejournal.com]

Welcome to independent-thinking adulthood my dear. You really can't ever go home again, as it goes.

You're not failing in your familiar obligations. You are becoming more and more your own person and relating to them as an adult, not a child. Alas, they haven't cottoned on to this yet. They might not ever. Sometimes setting limits works, like: "I will come over so long as we do NOT discuss politics." But they might not even be aware they are doing it. I've found the best way to get along with my family is to disallow certain subjects and demonstrate that I am serious about it. Sometimes a firm foot engenders respect.

Anyway, I'm sorry this was hard for you. But you are definitely NOT alone in your experience. And since we don't really know each other as yet, feel free to take my words or tell me to mind my own! :)

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Bah. I wouldn't post things, publicly no less, if I didn't welcome peoples' comments to them. You included. ;)

I have definitely started being more firm with them about all of it. I am all about opinions stated as opinions, but when you turn them into facts and then expect me to buy into them I tend to get a little titchy. And if sometimes they think I'm nothing more than an argumentative stick in the mud, then so be it. This whole autonomy thing is confusing! Also, insane.

[airgiodslv.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey. Please believe me when I say you're not alone, and I really do feel for you. I walked out of family Christmas dinner last year after my great-uncle called my president a goddamned n***er, and after this year's my sister and I said we were running away to eat fondue and pizza in a B&B somewhere rather than putting up with all of this another year. And my parents' house is so disgusting I almost want to put them on reality television just to get it taken care of.

The important thing, I think, is that you acknowledge that you love them. Now, for your own mental health, you have to acknowledge that you can't be around them and remain happy, but you still love them, and that's okay. There is nothing wrong with doing what you need. Give yourself some space, and don't feel too guilty. You have the right to take care of yourself.

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I have yet to walk out on them, but I've been really close to it several times. I certainly wouldn't mind fondue in a B&B and sending them a warm phone call the evening of. Hm. Maybe I'll make plans for next year. And if you find the number for that tv show let me know. ;)

But yes! I've spent many, many years becoming the person I am. I want to be thoughtful and intelligent and open, and I do not have to spend my time with people who are not, regardless of how we're related. I think it's mainly all those grocery store commercials that make me feel guilty for not being one of those perfect family people. Also, it's probably a good thing I never want children. Heh.

[zodiacstargazer.livejournal.com]

Loving your family doesn't mean you have to torture yourself. So if it doesn't make you happy, don't spend exorbitant amounts of time with them! I honestly think it's perfectly normal, and god knows I've been itching to get the hell out since forever because of all the fighting. It doesn't mean you (or I) love them less. It just means we've grown further.

Enjoy your pie, bb. ♥

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I definitely do not plan on spending any exorbitant amounts of time with them oh...ever. But I feel like hitting my limit after spending one day with them twice a year is a little intolerant of me. That being said, they have kind of proven themselves to be intolerant of EVERYTHING ELSE, so I might as well admit defeat.

But you're right of course. We've grown, and since I plan on being a person who continues to grow my whole life, and they're clearly not, it's not a crime if I don't want to spend time with them. I wouldn't spend all of my time with friends who were stuck the way they had been years ago either.

Pie is always to be enjoyed!

[logospilgrim.livejournal.com]

~And because I can only spend a few hours at home once every couple of months without completely losing my mind, I feel like there's something wrong with me~

I see my father around three hours once a year (this time of the year), and am always relieved when it is over.

I know he loves me, but I find it so stressful to be near him that I... I cannot be near him, you know?

*very tender robed embrace*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

It's a concept they don't teach you when you're young. That you can love things that aren't magically good for you.

*hugs*

[lady-ganesh.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

[momebie.livejournal.com]

*smoosh*

[verdenia.livejournal.com]

Awww, rough. SO hard when people are living un-healthfully, and you can't fix it. (Both the politics and the mildew & dust, eeep!)
I saw the article a bit ago that showed fox news viewers were badly uninformed...I wish there were a known neutral or conservative place to publish that, since dad likely wouldn't trust HuffPo.
Portland and not having to visit sounds pretty ideal. Will the lack of sun there be tough on you after so many years of sun, or have you long been an enjoyer of less-sunny days? ;p
I'll certainly be a little more likely to be able to meet you there! I've not yet been, but keep planning to go. ;p
*HUGS*

[momebie.livejournal.com]

I am not at all surprised that FOX viewers are badly informed. Most of the people I know who watch it and stand by it as a news source don't actually think they need to look anywhere else. The thing is, it's not like I believe that CNN is that much better, even though I'm often accused of it. I mean, if I don't like FOX I MUST love the liberal station, right? The thing that annoys me is that they claim the station is FAIR and BALANCED in its reporting and people BELIEVE THEM. It's fine if you want your conservative news. Just realize that there's more than one side to every story. Go find those differing points of view and read about them. If I find a story I'm interested in I look it up lots of places. It's impossible to let someone hand feed you bits of information and be well-informed. EVERYONE has a bias. Just because someone has YOUR bias does not make it RIGHT.

...which is something I could never say to my father without being accused of thinking I'm better than everyone.

And I'm not sure how I'll feel about the lack of sun! I like the sun, but I don't mind cloudy days. And I equate the sun with sweltering heat, which I definitely don't like. It'll be an interesting experiment. I just need to be somewhere else, you know? And if I don't like it there I don't like it there. I can always move back. :)

*smish*

[ovariesofsteel.livejournal.com]

Going home sucks.

Political discussions suck.

I hope your Christmas, however, did not suck!